Shades of Gray and Other Life Lessons

As I have mentioned in previous blogs, I've been doing some serious examination of conscience. With God's insight, I have come to understand that one of the key goals of this life is to learn the lessons that God has designed for each of us individually.

While I have many, many things yet to learn, I am getting better at identifying the key lessons. I am thick headed, so I don't learn them quickly, but at least I can point them out in a line up.

For example, I know God has been trying to teach me about appreciating and living in the gray. I have had a tendency for as long as I've been born to view everything in black and white. Either something is all or it's none; either it's perfect or it's worthless; either it's beautiful or it's ugly, etc. What God has pointed out to me is that very little ever reaches either extreme. Life is nearly fully contained in the middle, in the gray. If you can't appreciate and embrace the gray, then you miss out on a ton of what it means to live. And I have.

But life ain't over 'til it's over, so as long as I'm around, I can learn these things, even if it's one tiny baby step at a time. (Too much change all at once, not unlike fire to Frankenstein, frightens and confuses me).

I have other personal lessons, too, which God wants me to grasp. Like about judging people and about being vulnerable, among a handful of others. God has our life lessons individually tailored for optimal growth and enlightenment. All we have to do is open our hearts and minds to what God is trying to teach us. Most certainly easier said than done in this busy, chaotic world, but a little quiet reflection goes a long ways. Best of luck to us all in graduating through life with honors.

Confucius and More Reflections of Self

I've been having to dig excruciatingly deep, as of late, in examining my soul. I spend a lot time ruing what is lacking in myself, and still expect perfection, even though I am fully aware I can never attain it (being human and all), hence the emotional distress and self-flagellation. If it weren't for my own torment, I'd have none at all, but I digress...I came across a quote from Confucius the other day, which was:


I want you to be everything that's you, deep at the center of your being.


It didn't sound like the vague inspirational quotes I am used to from Confucius, so I went and did some research, and verified that it was indeed a quote from him. But God has a great tendency with me to highlight, as if with a bright yellow highlighter, the things I need to pay attention to. In researching the above quote, I came across two others that I knew God wanted me to reflect on as well:


They must change who would be constant in happiness and wisdom.

...and...

Man who stand on hill with mouth open will wait long time for roast duck to drop in.


While these three quotes collectively don't seem to add up together, they actually meld perfectly to give me the exact counsel I have been needing. While I have come a tremendous ways towards being a much better person over the last year, God is definitely pointing me in the path of further growth, and that it is crucial for me to fully examine my heart and take steps in being everything I truly am, in my good and wonderful God-given nature. This is going to require change, actual effort, risk, and being fully honest with myself in all ways. God loves me, of this I am certain; I just have to learn to earnestly love myself. I still plan on changing the world for the better, but that change must first begin internally. God most definitely has a plan, I just have to open fully to it. And I will get there. God be with you, too, on your path.

The Joy of True Friendship

Today is my bff's 40th burfday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BFF!!! Considering he is one of the two people who read this blog, I'm going to personalize this entry a bit by reflecting on what it has meant to have him in my life for the last 25 years.

My bff is the greatest guy I know. He is smart, kind, lives by his heart, and has love and compassion that dwarfs mine considerably. He has been a blessing a million times over and has come to my rescue in similar numbers. He has helped me move every time I have relocated around the state, which is MANY, and has been good-natured every time, even when I have dropped stuff on his feet. He is generous to a fault and incredibly patient with me as I have been a roller coaster of drama and issues over the years. Why he has stuck by me over these decades puzzles me, but it's best not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I just count my blessings from God, and he's most definitely among my most favorite.

And while 40 is generally considered a milestone of midlife, I would like to share some words from Albert Einstein with my dear, dear friend that reflect the true sentiment of aging:


People like you and I, though mortal of course like everyone else, do not grow old no matter how long we live...[We] never cease to stand like curious children before the great mystery into which we were born.


To have a friendship so enduring is one of the greatest joys in the life. I wish my bff at least 100 more birthdays, as you never know what God has in store. I love you. Buon compleanno, mio fratello! (Gotta start practicing your Italian :) )

A Reflection on Self

I was reading the recent Dear Colleague letter from my favorite cultural geographer/philosopher, Yi-Fu Tuan, when I came across something I knew God wanted me to reflect over:


All of us have felt at some stage in life that we lack something essential to happiness that others have–good looks, happy marriage, vocational success, and such like. George Santayana restores our equanimity by saying, “what we miss may be enjoyed or attained by someone else: why isn’t that just as good? And there is no regret, either, in the sense of wishing the past to return, or missing it: it is quite real enough as it is, there at its own date and place.”


I have been my own worst critic, as of late, as far as poor choices and living my life with so much still lacking. I have so many ideas and dreams of what would be wonderful and have been living as if my life is incomplete, like these missing things will finally make me whole and happy. It was not until I read Yi-Fu Tuan's letter that I realized that my perspective has been very selfish. Every single thing I long for--a loving spouse, some joyful children, a meaningful job, perhaps a vegetable garden that doesn't thrive on dying--are being fully enjoyed and appreciated my many other people, the world over. I should find great joy that the things I would find as wonderful blessings from God are exactly that, but for others. This way of thinking gives me great peace. And that's why God wanted me reflect on Tuan's letter. The blessings I long for have been bestowed, and cherished, by other people. And for the love of others, that brings me joy.

Finding contentment in "my" blessings being bestowed on others does not mean I give up and not strive for wonderfulness or not be open to God providing these same blessings to me, it just means I can finally allow myself to be happy and not stress over what I do not have. I am one step closer to living joyfully not having to beat myself up over what I have deemed as lacking in my life. God has blessed me a million different ways, in ways others long for. I indeed have an embarrassment of my own blessings. God is wise and generous. Be well.

Are You an Optimist or a Pessimist?

On my way to work this morning, I heard a siren. As it came into view, I saw that it was a fire truck, followed my an EMS truck. Something bad was going down, someone was obviously hurt...I began to pray, as I tend to do when I hear sirens.

I pray for the safety and recovery of the affected parties of the emergency, as well as the safety and well being of the emergency response teams. But this morning, when I was dwelling on the injured or possibly dead victims, God stepped in...

Why is it that you just dwell on the potential bad that has happened and not rejoice that help is on the way? It is ALWAYS a blessing to hear sirens, as it means those who do need help will be getting it very soon.

(Good morning, sir, this is your wake up call...)

I wasn't even aware that my thinking in this regard was so pessimistic until God pointed this out to me. I am now going to reflect even more over all of my thinking and actions to examine whether or not they come from a positive and optimistic place or someplace more dreary. My goal is to be full of joy and positivity at all times, so I truly appreciate this insight from God. God is so good and kind and generous! Be well, my friends, and always look towards the light.

Always Have a Goal

One of my dear friends from work is retiring next week, and when people ask her what she's going to be doing with all her new found free time, she replies, "I haven't thought about it."

I'm a little concerned for her. Even though she's a rather dynamic person, and even quite spiritual, I worry that she's not going to have something driving her day-to-day life, like a day job has to this point. I fear she's not going to have the motivation to thrive.

When I went through the Investment in Excellence training last summer at my work, one of the points they made is that people without goals die rather rapidly. You always must be living with something you are thriving to reach, which is why, in great part, people who retire and people who are widow(er)s die so soon after the event.

Life is a journey, a path. And if you don't have a destination you would like to reach, then your path has no direction, no meaning. Use your imagination and dare to dream big. And try to make it happen. Because you never know...

I am blessed with an abundance of things to look forward to. I have some great trips coming this summer and years of surprises to come. I am especially looking forward to our next family cruise, even if it's years away. It's a beautiful and fun way to spend time with loved ones. It is joy.

Make plans. Not just any plans, though. Make plans that fill you with excitement and joy and drive you to a giddy and gleeful place. Thrive like crazy.

Salvation Lies in Humility

As y'all know full well, I'm pretty much a perpetual roller coaster of emotion; there are times I'm so full of joy and happiness, I actually fear my heart will burst, and then there are times I'm so down and full of despair, I fear the candle of hope has been permanently snuffed. But that's the nature of our humanity, in large measure, I suppose.

I was praying earlier today, feeling remorseful and quite low for being such a repetitive failure at maintaining my best effort of staying on the good and righteous path, when God stepped in. God tends to save me from the downward spirals at the exact moment I need salvation. Funny, how that works, but I digress...God let me know it is in the fact that I truly feel unworthy of God's infinite love and mercy which makes me worthy. Huh? (Yeah, I was confused, too.) God shared with me that God adores those who are humble, yet try and strive and yearn to do right and good things and stumble down the path towards unity with God. Because it is only through humility that one can accept that there is always room for improvement. It is only through humility that one can appreciate one's position in relation to God. It is only through humility that one can truly have faith.

I know there are many people in all walks of faith who have completely convinced themselves that God is 100% behind them. Although, that kind of arrogance only leads to stunted personal growth and/or harm to others, as displayed by religious extremists.

I know I have been like that. But as I've become older and wiser, I have come to realize that it was self-righteousness, not God-centered righteousness. I have come to realize that my salvation--as well as the salvation of all humanity--is entirely up to God. God willing, we will all be welcomed into union with God after we pass from this world. God willing indeed.